Boundaries and Women

 Who are we as women, and how do we really desire? Women were not always the strong, independent, "I can go anywhere!" wonders that they are now. When I was in high school in the 1950s, I had to get approval from the relevant board before I could enroll in mechanical drawing. Would you believe they said that because the all-male school board found that the only reason I wanted to take that class was to spend more time with the boys? So, although times have improved in the last 50 years, they haven't changed all that much. Sure, women may pretty much pursue whatever occupation they choose, but what actually distinguishes them?

The bulk of child care, housekeeping, decorating, buying, and cooking is still done by women. Men can accomplish such things, but it's not usually part of their regular routine. Women increasingly work full time and perform all of the housework as well. This is all their fault.

So, what exactly am I saying? It's like this. 

Women can be their own worst adversaries. We say we desire equality, but what exactly does that entail? What about equal compensation for equal work? Child care sharing? Housework and cooking divided? No! Most women want stuff done to their specifications without actually telling a guy what those specifications are. Women want males to be able to read their brains. They want a guy to know when and what sort of flowers to deliver. They want a guy to understand their emotions without them having to explain them. They want it recognized that "whatever you can do, I will do just as well!" yet they don't want to perform those tasks, such as repair the vehicle, take out the garbage, pound nails, and so on. Women are complex beings who desire a lot of things but aren't always ready to ask for them.

How many of you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your relationships? Please allow me to explain. Do you put off plans with your pals in order to get a special phone call of the one you love? Do you sit at home and wait for the phone to ring? Do you avoid touch with your relatives and friends since your new love consumes all of your time? Do you cancel plans with your pals because your significant other need you to go and do something at the last minute? Do you agree to do things you don't want to do because you don't know how to say no?

C., one of my clients, regretted the fact that her sister was supposed to visit for two weeks. When I asked her how she was unhappy, she said. "I can't afford that," C said. She said that her sister gets to meet and wants to go to expensive places and wants me to drive her everywhere, but she doesn't bring any money, so I struggle financially for months after she goes. Investigating the facts, I learned that her 33-year-old sister was jobless and expected C to support and amuse her for two weeks. The issue is mostly in C. Although her sister is self-centered, it is C's lack of limits that exacerbates the situation. We devised a plan for C to establish some ground rules with her sibling.

1. Tell her sister how excited she is to visit her and enjoy hours with her.

2. Establish some ground rules for the visit.

3. During her stay, the sister is responsible for her own bills and amusement.

4. The sister may use C's automobile under 2 phases: C must go to and from work. The sister is responsible for her own gas.

If these terms aren't met, the sister will have to hire a vehicle on her own.

5. C needs 8 hours of sleep on work evenings, thus partying is restricted on such nights.

As said that by setting these limitations, her sister's visit will be something to look forward to rather than fear.

Why is it so tough to inform the people you care about your personal boundaries?

Are you concerned that you may offend their sensibilities?

If you don't take care with yourself and establish your limits, you're allowing others to take advantage of you, and you'll hate them afterwards.

You are responsible for everything that occurs in your life.

Understand how to create limits.

Learn to be specific about what you desire.

Learn to request what you want.

Being open with someone you care about, expressing everything from your smallest to your greatest anxieties, is a mark of trust. If you're afraid to share these things because you're afraid they'll be used as ammo, you're not in a holy intimate connection.