I was flipping through a local newspaper recently when an ad for a neighboring fitness club grabbed my eye. There was a photograph of a lovely, well-dressed lady who seemed to be pregnant. The ad began with her initial name and proceeded to describe the main features of her life, such as the fact that she's been married for 12 years, has two children (with another on the way), and runs her own company. The ad's message was that she not only takes care of her family, but she also takes care of herself by leaving her children off at the health club's kiddie area so she can Aqua-cise on a regular basis and treating herself to a treatment at the club's spa twice a month.
A few pages later in the same issue, one of the weekly columnists wrote about a local female pediatric orthopedic specialist. The first thing said in the article was that she was extraordinarily gorgeous and full of life. Needless to say, the qualifications that came next were flawless. To top it all off, she was a standout athlete in middle school and still competes in triathlons.
She was wedded to her high school love and has two children with him. She said that she comes from a hardworking family, and that while her mother worked, she always made time for her children, one of whom is now a surgeon. The article then went on to discuss a one-year fellowship in neurosurgery that this lady had just been given at one of the country's leading spine institutes. It was also said that, despite her hectic schedule, she still finds resources to devote with her children and husband, and that they often go skiing and mountain biking together.
Not long ago, seeing the fitness club commercial and the news about the physician would have made me feel a combination of jealousy, insecurity, and shame. Those advertising and articles used it to make me feel, although I'm sure they do for many other women, as if there was something wrong with me. Why did I feel unhappy most of the time as a successful woman with a law degree, a decent career, a secure husband, and a beautiful daughter? Why did other women appear to handle it all so easily, while I felt like I was in a race against the clock the minute I walked out of bed every morning, a race that wouldn't conclude for another 18 hours?
That's not until I had a second child and took some time off following her birth that I was able to understand and accept what I had being feeling for so long. I was also able to glance about, and I saw that the majority of women in this nation seems to be experiencing the same feelings I was. I heard and observed the same disappointment in regular women like myself, and it won't really matter whether or not they had professional degrees. The hair stylist seemed to be as disillusioned as the doctor. I also started to see more stories about women leaving the workforce to raise their children. I've even seen recent popular works of literature in which the employment of nannies and the effort of one or more women characters to "have it all" were not represented favorably.
It seems that a new term has been established to characterize this phenomenon—"sequencing." It's supposed to convey the idea that at different points in their lives, women need or want to focus on different aspects of their lives, and that once children enter the picture, women are supposed to step away from the workplace for as long as they deem necessary in order to focus on their children and families. When I heard a medical student say on a widely syndicated show that once she was married, her spouse and kids would come first, and she did not plan to be a working mother, I realized there had to be some powerful winds of change in the air. She went on to claim that she had seen her own mother do it and had been put in day care since she was very little, and that she did not want to raise her own children in the same manner. She said that she'd like to get married while still in medical school, she would leave out since it would be pointless to obtain a medical degree if she was so close to beginning a family.
I also read Lisa Belkin's now-oft-quoted New York Times essay on all those professional women "opting out" of their employment to be stay-at-home mothers. But I also saw a lot of non-professional ladies doing the same thing. I believe the Times piece merely touched the top of the iceberg. Yes, well-educated, professional women are quitting their jobs to have babies, but so are women without advanced degrees. Our tendency of putting aside employment to focus on family, I believe, is about women generally in this society, not just one subtype of women.
I'm also not attempting to make women outside the house feel guilty or humiliated about their choices. I am well aware of the grim realities that govern certain family circumstances. All I'm saying is that I believe women have backed themselves into a hole. We may be equals to our husbands without having to live in their world. Women should learn to enjoy and be proud of their gender distinctions. So, if that's what you genuinely want, go ahead and just be a domestic goddess, and don't allow anybody make you feel anything other than proud for having the bravery to live the life you desire! I like this comment from an anonymous lady who was featured for a book called "And what are you going to do? When Females Choose to Remain at Home ".. Her favorite response to "Or what do you do?" was "I'm making a difference kid at a time." Baby, we've gone a long way!
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